Well it almost my birthday, and it is definitely an emotional one. This year has been incredibly unexpected, and difficult, heart wrenching and challenging, but I am so grateful to see another birthday, and to have the support and love of such wonderful family and friends in my life, especially my daddy. Who since the loss of my mom has been the sole pillar in my life, God only knows how hard this whole adventure has been on you, and I love you even more for finding the strength to make it seem like you breeze through it all. You all have no idea how much you mean to me, and to my recovery, all of you.

            After a few really tough weeks, lots of discussions with my doctors, therapist and my cancer survivor group, I have decided to stop treatment. These last few weeks of what they call the “maintenance” phase has just been brutal. While my liver stopped reacting so badly, the cumulative effects of the medicine began to take hold and I started to feel what I now know was depression. While I had been active, and optimistic all throughout the outpatient treatment and surgeries, I suddenly began to feel fatigued, tearful, fearful, unable to eat, and completely unmotivated. It was debilitating. For anyone who may actually suffer with depression for longer periods of time, my heart goes out to you, as I have now felt how physically taxing it can be.  Depression is a real side effect of the Interferon for about 60% of those taking it, which they feel they can balance with antidepressants; I felt that for my particular situation this was not the best path. In my case, they feel that there is only a slim chance that I was not already cured of cancer after the surgery, in order to better those odds I chose Interferon, which would increase my chance of not having any recurrence by 10%, which to me was worth starting Interferon. However, that increase is statistically attributed to the month long intensive outpatient therapy, which I have already received. They do not have any statistics to prove that the year of low dosage Interferon makes any difference on recurrence. 

            That being said, I evaluated my life, and what I want out of the next year of my life. And I decided that the idea of taking a drug that is meant to improve your immune system but also causes depression and fatigue (which harm the immune system) seemed counterproductive. So instead, I woke up this morning bounced on my rebounder, had a vitamin smoothie, and reasserted that I have a path I have chosen to devote myself to  - 1) BELIEVE I AM CURED OF CANCER. 2) Believe that continuing a cancer free existence is completely dependent on my living as close to a cancer free lifestyle as possible (this will be a constantly changing goal but includes strengthening my diet, my body, and my spirit) and last but not least 3) Eliminate the clutter in my life, both physically, mentally and emotionally. I accept that I am a person that is more easily swayed by negative, and I accept that this is a very dangerous way to live, and also affects people around me badly. 

            So these are my resolutions. Those of you that know me well know that I am prone to short lived ambitions. I make great mountains of plans, then sit back to glow in the glory of my good intentions, and suddenly shrink into the darkness that surrounds the sudden realization that I am terrified of mountains. So instead, I have decided to build molehills.  Small, easily manageable goals that I can conquer and take pride in completing. Even still, molehills can be challenging, so my first promise to myself is to continue to reach out to my cancer support group, Survivors By the Sea. They have been absolutely amazing at bringing company into my dark self-pitying grief. They share their struggles with me, and understand mine. It is going to be a very necessary part of my continuing recovery to share with, exercise with, and help support the other women in my group. After getting the support of my doctors that it is their opinion that my decision to end this phase of treatment will have no adverse effect on my chances of recurrence, I am fully comfortable with my decision.

            So, onward we go! One day before turning 28, birthdays will never feel the same. I will never be able to be one of those women who notices the crows feet dancing around her eyes and curses and moans about the embarrassing impending birthday. I will be the woman who looks into the mirror and notices those crows feet dancing around her eyes, and cry, for seeing what quite possibly could be the most beautiful display of artistry a woman could be shown, the gift of growing older, and having been allowed life.  I can’t think of anything more sad in the world, then having to bury someone you love who had not enough time to witness the beautiful dance of crows feet around their eyes.  And when I lie on my bed and touch the scars that snake their way around my thigh, and brush my fingertips along the skin that no longer feels the brush, some days tears will fall. Some days I will lay in bed for hours, rubbing these scars, or pouring over my various other moles that could one day become confused or misused and turn against me as this one did.  But the tears will pour, and through every tear and painful touch, will come the feeling of joy in knowing that I am still here, taking a moment to rub my skin, remind myself what is I’m blessedly wrapped in.  And I think how sad it is that so many women, much less younger woman may miss this whole experience. It is a realization of self, the intricate lines on your skin.  After my mom passed, I was lying in the sun and pressed a part of my leg together, and I realized that she and I had the exact same lines in our skin. And I felt closer to her, it was a piece of here I could see in me. So many of us struggle with who we are, but we ask this question from a possessive position.  We are beautifully intricate workings of outer image, inner pieces, and soul, which are meant to work together, to create us in the most beautiful masterpiece. Far too often it is not in this simple plan we see ourselves and so we make modifications, pluck here, and shape our lines here, darken our shell there, and that is where the confusion starts. We need to see ourselves, clearly, and with love.

         So now, coming into my 28th year, I am thankful beyond anything I’ve felt. To be able to stare out at my bedroom, in the condo near the ocean that I own. To be able to step outside and put my feet in the ocean, and speak to my mother and feel her near.  For my daddy, who I truly believe would cross oceans for me, although a few states is enough. My brother, who takes the time from within his own battles to put me first in his mind. And to be blessed with the comfort, wisdom and care of such wonderful Grandparents. And for all the aunts, uncles, cousins (and baby cousins) and amazing people who have come into their lives to help balance them, and by extension, us! I am so, so thankful.  I will continue to rely on all of you for the support, prayers, love and honesty you have all showed me during this time, to move forward, and embrace this life that was so graciously given to me. 

            But for you, the amazing people in my life, I think about you often. There are pieces of all of you around my home, and most importantly around my mind. I wish nothing but love, happiness and strength for each of you. That is my birthday thanks to you all, thank you for making me who I am, and helping me to get here, through whatever trials and tribulations. I love you all!!!!